Start work, reality strikes

Ever found yourself waking up,
Feeling good about yourself,
Hoping that you can make your parents happy by telling them,
You can finally contribute to the household expenses.
Hoping they give a reasonable amount.
To find they would like to dump many things along your way.
Then you go for lunch,
And come back to find your mum,
waiting,
And happily dumping a big bill on your hands.
What great parents I have.

Sleeping and Fish Tanks.

During this time of unemployment and idyllic time in between I have sought out to re-experiment with the things that I used to love. One hobby that restarted was having a freshwater aquarium. This hobby started when I was younger, where I was always fascinated with animals and pet creatures alike. To date, me and my family have had a dog, cats, fishes(goldfishes, kois, arowana and what have u), rabbits, terrapins, hamsters(bred like 20 plus for Christ's sake), hummingbirds(caught two), love parrots and even a little python that me and a friend caught during our army days.

But I have always come back to aquariums because they are such an intriguing part of Earth you could own. You can experiment with different species living under one room, observe how they interact, how putting some species together could produce a self sustainable eco system which requires minimal intervention from the owner. It started with my first set of tiger barbs when I was younger. Remember those plastic tanks with colorful covers that were suitable for anything. I owned them with my tiger barbs and other fishes and they would go around nipping the fins of other fishes. Then when I was an instructor back in Tekong, a fellow instructor introduced the idea of having fish tank in our office too. But we were not the only one who crazy about it, many other people in our company had fish tanks in their rooms and soon after us, many brought their own tanks too. We had big tanks to small little betta tanks for fighting fishes and puffer fishes. It was amazing how young 19 - 21 year old men were interested in such a sport which many deem as an old man's hobby. Maybe it was due to a need to be in control, especially for us, besides the recruits under our charge having absolutely no control over their lives in camp, we were next in line. Squashed between the demands of superiors and recruits. Or maybe the fact that we are conscript soldiers, where every 18 year old person in Singapore mysteriously loses two perfect and fantastic years of our lives to protect something that we do not necessarily have a passion for. But just watching the fishes swim around and go about their daily lives with the fact that you had a hand in creating that environment is such a beautiful thing.

Curiously, having a hobby like that brings out much knowledge. Knowledge that you would even apply to your daily lives eventually. It has come to past that our weather in Singapore is going from bad to worst. I have many comments about that but we shall leave that to another post. Sleeping with the air conditioner on should be the norm for many people these days but little did anyone notice - Why we aren't getting any better sleep than we should in such a comfortable and cool environment? The reason lies in the same concept as the nitrogen cycle in fish tanks. Have u noticed fishes like drowsy and sleepy in your fish tank. Even though its as bright as day and you have just fed them some breakfast? This is due to the lack of oxygen and the huge buildup of nitrogen in the tank from all the waste that they have created through their urine and faeces. Its a really common thing for new tanks as there aren't good bacteria that is formed to break down the ammonia into nitrates. So jumping right back to the air con situation, we have cool air, yes, but it is air that has been recycled through your air conditioner. With your windows and doors all shut, it is impossible for fresh oxygen to enter your room and you would be spending all night breathing in crappy air as you sleep. Next day, you wake up more tired than before, wondering why u have slept for 10 hours and still feel so crappy. Body aches, feet and legs feel sore and its just a bad day. This is because your body, like the fishes, aren't getting enough oxygen during your sleep, slowing down healing and rejuvenating functions. Air from the blowers are dry, taking away moisture from your body. So get another fan, or a portable cold air blower where u can place it directly by your side when u sleep, don't make that precious few hours of sleep less effective than it should be.

Unemployment: A set of unforgivable events

I haven't been blogging for a long time as other forms of social media has taken over my life, for example, facebook and twitter. But once in awhile, when i need to vent out a big entry, I will dish out over here.

Graduation! Ahhh that sweet sound, that feeling of no school the next day or after summer, the sweet smell of freedom. Away from books, professors, crazy project mates with drinking problems and unstable minds but yet we cannot but miss the parties, the late night studying, subways and hanging out in the library. I had a great last semester, hanging out with the friends whom I should have spent my better of my 4 years with, even join an adventure race, 32km, ran, kayaked, swam and did whatever for every single metre of it.

Graduation also comes with its challenges and fears. Th economic crisis has not made it any better. But i was very excited with what this crisis might bring - business opportunities, cheaper everything and the chance to do something different. Something other than that stupid bank job or stuck climbing the corporate ladder. I was so hopeful that I was talking to like 4 different groups of people after business ideas. It seem like everything was actually moving ahead until the exams came and went. Then everything went to hell. Reality stuck, we ultimately need jobs. With no money, you can't really do alot, with nobody interested, its even worst. The pragmatic Singaporean in us, won over eventually and soon we were clamouring over websites, papers and career portals - looking for jobs.

And it was not that I wasn't doing anything, I sent approximately 35 resumes since Jan 2009 and I had absofuckinglutely no replies. I even sought out actively for help from my aunt Yvonne, my cousin Janice, friends who had jobs and more. Any opportunities to network and go for a career talk that interest me, I would be there. Great contrast to my attitude towards jobs and job hunts in the previous semester. Still my dad wouldn't understand. In much turmoil about what is happening at home and at work, he would slash out at me coz my sister wouldn't give a fuck about him, my mum is busy with her property agent(one of his domestic concerns too) license and my bro - let's just say he is my dad's darling. I always felt an obligation to give him some respect at times, talk to him at times. He is afterall working hard for us. But sometimes, he is just an empty shell of a person, yea, great provider, period. Is that what a father is supposed to do? Maybe the ideal dad does not exist, but he could work towards being one. I guess he could show support, I wasn't too afraid of unemployment, I knew I just had to find something and keep looking and sending resumes. I just needed my parents to understand that the market isn't doing great and I would be at home for awhile. But yea, my presence at home seemed to irk them alot. Anyway I have nothing much to say now, I just decided I had to note down their strikes during this crazy period that I had to go through. Its just bugging me. I had to pen it down somewhere.

Strikes from my parents

- Unfortunate events that happened after I came back from Bali (approx 2-3weeks after exams are over)

Week +1 - Parasitical me

Dad sat me down at dinner, suggested I took a SIM course on compensation n benefits. Told him I'm not a big fan of numbers and I have recently taken a course on that. I need industry experience. He insisted that I should consider it coz his colleague said it was a good thing. I might have given him a dumb ass look or what, proceeded to say if I still continue to slack everyone at home, I might lose my confidence and become like a parasite at home.

A benevolent person told me that due to his lack of vocabulary and comprehension of certain English words that he might not understand what Parasite meant. I know what it means, it sucks, it hurt alot. Fucking alot. I was barely graduated for 3 weeks, I just came back from a holiday, trying to reorganize my life, I sent resumes before the trip, during the semester. Its a fucking unfair usage of words.

I hope he understands what the fuck he said, I hope he did not mean it.

If u did not know what it really means, here it goes:

"parasitenounshe longed to be free of the parasites in her family hanger-on, cadger, leech,passenger; informal bloodsucker, sponger, bottom feeder, scrounger,freeloader, mooch."

Week 2 - Hope you understand

Mum scheduled a Singtel installation for something on Wednesday and told me to 'look' at him for the installation. I have no idea what the hell it was for, asked several times, she said she didn't know. I told her only 4 to 6pm coz wednesdays are for me to run with my SMU pals. And I promised them I would finally join them this time after my hubris since the exams ended. Dude came late, massive clusterfuck of shit came rolling down towards me. I was extremely ill-equipped to assist the Singtel fellow - no password for the new singtel internet that they subscribed, no idea where to fix the Mio TV cable and tonnes of problems. Mum was so mesmerized(as usual) with her property thing that she couldn't spend sometime or assign me to coordinate the thing. Just be at home from 4 - 6pm, she said. What the fuck. Dad came home and I asked from the stairs like can he helped. He gave a fuck look and said, "Can't you see I just came home." Blah blah. yes big money man. During the installation, Singtel man needed his NRIC, I went to his room and nicely and tactfully asked for his particulars. Got a stare and tonnes of questions, as if i was the criminal. What's so hard about giving some numbers. It was obviously that I was running late as the fellow only came at 545pm and my run was at 7pm. I told him i needed to go asap and he tried rushing. There was a huge problem with the internet and he was still at it at 615pm. Exasperated, can't really call my dad for help, mum's outside, brother going out, sister going for tuition, I'm the only sucker who has to do it. Stuck in between a rock and a hard place. I bet if I asked for help, he would pull the unemployment card.

Ohh by the way, when I argued with mum on the phone about the lack of information, she said "why can't you do such a simple thing." Yea, it is pretty well established in my house that I am pretty incapable of doing simple things. So says my mum and dad.

So back to the story, I called my friends, told them the shit, lots of disappointment. Singtel fellow stayed till 7pm. Then Dad decided to come down and ask me whether I needed help and stuff. Fuck You. Can't you see the time. Then after the whole fiasco, sat me down and gave me the good job son, I hope you understand I'm making money for the family and have things to do. Thank you for your support. Fuck you man, so what if you can make money, are u any different from those parents that you detest? Those that dump toys and money at their kids, dump them at Malls and Lan shops while they shop? What's the difference? Ohh ya, u nag at us.

Other irks and grimes.

- If your son is unemployed, would you try your best to help? Source out your big ass director and whatever help you can get to help him? Of course yea, u want him to be independent and earn his way and stuff. But in an exceptional situation like a financial crisis, shouldn't you do more than give me a list of recruitment agencies to apply to. I CAN FIND THEM ON THE INTERNET MYSELF. I am ashamed to say that I had more help from people around me than my own father and mother. My mother angles herself to be the lobang king at home, she knows this and that, blah blah. When I ask her whether she would know any lobangs for part time jobs, she screamed at me to check the internet, obviously I had disturbed the great Warren Buffett during one of her trading periods. My aunt and my friends were more active in helping me find jobs. They sourced out friends, ex-colleagues for jobs, looked out for me on the internet/newspaper for opportunities that matched my interests and abilities. Gives u hope doesn't it, even if its just these few simple gestures. Yes, my parents, they did remind me that there are HR jobs all over Recruit frequently. I read recruit frequently myself too.

I always dreamt and felt that my family was like the greatest thing on earth. Now its like I'm living in the plot of some Hongkong drama.

Unfairness

Unfair people will be unfair parents. No matter how they justify their actions. I do hope that in other aspects of their lives, they know how to treat people fairly too. I'm devastated to be frank, my parents are now actually blaming me for being unhappy with something that was wrong at the start, which they agreed that it was wrong and overturned it. When I was unhappy with the process, they thought I acting out of plain jealousy with regards to the result. They do not understand their children and should not act on any misunderstandings. They assume and do not communicate with the aggrieved parties and assume. So what happens is that the way they treat their children translates to the way they treat other people. For example, extended family members. Worst still, they preach, scold, criticize others, when they forget they are not acting on what they preach. Ohh god what hypocrites!

I'm very disappointed with my mum, she was my best friend and possibly my only friend in the family at times. But not I can't seem to confide in her because she is as irrational and unfair as the rest of the people in the family. Some secrets have to be kept to yourself if told to u. Even sometimes u have to hide in from your husband if required. Especially, when you know some people don't know how to keep secrets and act on those secrets instead. The responsibility of someone who listens in on a secret is very heavy and even most children understand that concept of trust. Trust is broken when secrets are leaked out and worst, people act on those secrets. Now my sister has difficulty telling my mum anything, thus I feel at times, she just hides further into her shell and wouldn't tell anyone anything. I hope she would feel better now she has a listening ear. But it takes time to build that trust. Mothers are often automatically entrusted with that trust of family secrets, because of their maternally instinct to listen and not act and they are always deemed by their children as trustworthy entities. When this given trust is broken, the biggest hurt go to their children. I hope mothers out there in the world learn and understand this concept and keep it close to your heart. Your children need you to be like that.
I wish I was young and ignorant again, so that I can love my family again.

Trust no one to manage your money and your life.

Parents are big misnomers these days. I doubt many of them are capable of taking care and shaping their kids, especially after teenage-hood. They are nothing but big contradictions to the things they preach about and the things they practice. Makes it increasingly hard to differentiate what message they want to convey to you.

Then there are siblings who act like they own the house and parents don't do anything about it. They quote "growing up stage", "adults already, cannot scold" to hide their bias and let the wrongdoer go about having his/her way. I would like to quote a person in the extended family who told me this "(the person) is the only one in the family who can show your father a black face and get away with it." It is true that ignorant is bliss. When i was younger, all i knew was that my dad doted on my mum the most and the children were pretty much 2nd in place. I mean that is fine with me, as long as he treated us with equity. He preached equity in treating all people and his children and also tried to be so. After awhile it was hard to be so, but in monetary terms, i didn't bother, after awhile, the wants/needs diverge and everyone would be pursuing different things at different costs. But what irks me, and pisses me off badly is attention and hypocrisy. I come back from Africa trip, Diving trip with beautiful photos off my camera and he doesn't bother to even take a peek. He only RECENTLY knew that i was actually quite physically competent during my NS days. Previously, i so much so have to say some joke that he found offensive, he would launch an hour of hurting attacks on me, claiming how i will not survive at work and in the outside work with this kind of attitude and things like that. But no, he would take offense and criticism from another child of his during the morning send offs to his other child's workplace and say that he is building his tolerance.

Little did they know, these people are making life hard for those in the house. Would u enjoy your dinner if you had someone with a fuck face sitting across u? Would u sit by and see someone ignore your parents when they are trying nicer to communicate with the person? (if it was a stranger, you would hit the person until he/she was crying like a wimp.)


All i know is that i don't give a fuck about all these... I can resonate with why Shang lin wants to work asap and get out the house and live in his own pad. Coz parents can be idiots.

I'm back.. Angsty as ever.

I'm terribly sorry for the hiatus. As you all know, this is my angst blog. Happy things go to facebook or would be better for u to hear it directly from me. Those are things worth talking about. Here, I bitch, I kill people that I can't kill in my mind and with my words and bitch about people that I can and do bitch in my real life. Hahaha..

So let's talk about Family today. Who doesn't have family problems huh? Especially in an Asian society, family is the backbone unit of the society. Children don't leave their homes till they are getting married or have enough money to move out. Singapore society (and fucking government too, seriously, FUCK YOU Singapore Govt, u got rich and dumb) has made it very sure we cant rent and get our own pad when we start working or something. Growing up, i have been oblivious to the vibes and movements in my family and extended family. (Fucking extended family at times). REALLY FUCKING.

Since young i have been close to my mum, she's a good confidant and a very nice person to share your troubles with. Why? She establishes the few basic things of a good confidant- she listens, she does not jump to conclusions without a person finishing his/her problems, she never imposes her views on a troubled person. I mean who doesn't have their share of fuck ups, of course, she pissed me off in the past before and i have pissed her in the past before, but still she remains, my beloved mother. So growing up entails responsibility, the first is listening. Listening to my mother's problems and frustrations. It was interesting and to a certain extent addictive, especially after i came back from Mexico, because one will always be interested to know why some family members are like that, stories of their mis tempered youth(who the fuck doesn't have one those, if u dun have, u should go and die now) and things like that.

U will say come on, listening is easy, but no, listening entails responsibility. Responsibility
to keep it a secret, responsibility to act nonchalant to the dirty secrets u have heard, responsibility to contain your emotions, responsibility to trust that the parties would eventually do the right thing without your interference(if you were so like me, wanting things to be right). So i enjoyed those times and that responsibility and with that came more heart to heart time with my parents, my mother opening up to me on such adult stuff feels like a proper graduation to the adult world(trust me for a while it was awesome, now i really think Peter Pan was such a great idea). But the great thing about my mother is opening up to me and telling me family stories was she left it as it is. She did not turn it to some lecture on my character, some venting of frustration(aka me being a punching bag) or a strategy or tactic to lure my true character so that you can break me down and build me up again kind of shit like what a typical SONY MD does(yes i said it and it feels so good). She just left it as it was. Information for u to know, digest, in hope avoid those potholes of life. One could voice their opinions on those issues and you get a "ya lor, so sad right", a shrug of shoulders or dismayed look of the past. Nothing beyond that, probably if my reaction was too big, i would get a "don't be like that, its not good".

Then comes my father, preaching about all the righteousness of the world, how fair HE would be and all that crap shit. I dun deny he is a good brother to his family, a great provider, a caring dad. But u cant help but know that he is biased, and he is not subtle in his ways, no matter how he tries. I'm sure he has his reasons and they are good reasons but still i cant help but feel, i'm like his new punching bag, coz i'm older and I OUGHT TO KNOW BETTER. really FUCK Off man. I know I shouldn't be comparing, when u compare to something better, u never get better off from that experience. But its hard to ignore the disparity when u are facing it daily at home.
Mexico taught me alot of things and it also reminded me alot of things. Appreciate my parents, spend more quality time with them, great chats and stuff. But me and my dad, I cant never go beyond chats on work, business opinions and like airy fairy things like this. So i guess our relationship can never go beyond that, I plan to keep it that one, u go beyond that, he turns into something else and starts on something that i dun like, his verbal punching bag.

So i will stop here today, my pavarotti and snus are helping today. loving it.

The long awaited trip

Hi guys.. Sorry for the extremely long hiatus. Busy, lazy and all the reasons you can think of, I just couldn't find the mood and the time to write. There were a few moments where I was compelled to write nasty stuff but the past year of incidents have left a bitter taste in my tongue for listing out any of my thoughts here. Probably Singaporeans forgot how to respect the privacy( or didn't even know how to in the first place) and sanctity of online writing. As Dewei said, read everything online with a pinch of salt. I say, in times like this, read everything with a pinch of salt.

A year has come and past, and as compared to my life, as lived out the past few years and depicted on this blog, it has been kinda of a maturing and somewhat thoughtful year. Maturing because I have dropped many of my 'youthful' and 'nocturnal' activities like smoking, drinking excessively(my first binge this year on Xmas eve only!) and my fave... clubbing. One year, clubbing free. Can you believe that? Anyway zouk isn't much fun these days, without smoking inside, it just smells. Then its 'thoughtful' because I have been doing much thinking, reflecting, growing, decision making and curiously, planning. Planning and reflecting on what career path i should take, planning and thinking of what kind of life i would like to live and of course planning and deciding on my MEXICAN adventure.

I'm going for an overseas exchange pretty soon( 3 jan!!) to Mexico! Its gona be a blast I guess, although certain hesitation holds me back as i venture so far out into the unknown. I have never been to that part of the world, never so far across the Pacific Ocean or across the Atlantic. The culture is not familiar and different rules apply. I will just have to adapt accordingly and take on the new culture head on. Its exciting to be shopping and packing for the exchange. Then handling the travel documents is another thing. That is a total bitch. U just pay for pieces of paper that often makes no sense paying for. For example, the certificate of bank balance. 20 bucks. What the hell.. haha Ohh well i am ultimately still under their mercy. So with this, I should be opening a blog on my way there or when I reach. Not sure whether I will use blogger again, other blogging websites await my experimental spirit ( which i have lost much of it this year, making me feel like an old person)

As i leave, there are certain worries on my mind on things that should not concern me. But I do hope that I will be proven wrong by this new bunch, as loudly boasted by one of this new bunch. Its weird that this bunch is so much more well equipped in terms of the presence of experienced advisors around, a good support and even an external trainer and yet they fail to even function properly together. I believe its something that they have to figure it out themselves, after all, someone I once respected told me, "if you don't ask for help, you wouldn't get any."

I have been reading this great book, which has been giving insights about what I have done the past year plus what I should do to for my future and career. I highly recommend it and really slap myself for not picking up early this year. Curiously, its called " HOW to be a CEO" by Jeffery J. Fox. As much as the title might sound totally irrelevant, it provides one with great guiding rules on how to plan a great career, be a good employee and leader. Why I say employee and leader? Essentially to be a great leader, one had to be a great employee and still be one. There is no Team Managers are the best in e world and I get the big picture or I guard the store like hell and bully the shit out of everyone. Leaders Serve. To Lead to Serve. Budgets are not proof of your power but your money hoarding skills. The person who is able to create the best max output w the least resources will be the most rewarded and respected person in every organization. So much mistrust and power struggle and zero cooperation exists in the new leadership and I fear we might be hit back to the stone age. Sometimes we criticize in hope to encourage vigor and fighting spirit, but many take it negatively. And in our culture like ours, plain smiling and ignoring the facts of the situation is the game to play. So I similarly I shall play this game too. Back to the book, it has been giving me doubts about my decision to be a future HR leader and after all my options are still open, i will keep them open till the next inspiration floats into my mind and figure out my next move.

So stay tuned guys, I shall be creating a new blog or posting writings and pictures on my mexican adventure pretty soon! Have a great 2008!